Personal relationships

(10-17-16)

Relationships:

Familial (family)

• parents, grandparents, great grandparents, etc.
• siblings
  • relationships with siblings are an interesting topic, some authors (e.g., Cavanaugh & Blanchard-Fields, 2011) speak of siblings as, “One special type of friendship exists with one’s siblings” (p. 405)
  • females tend to report somewhat stronger relationships with siblings than males in our culture (Schmeeckle, Giarusso & Wang 1998); both males and females report these ties are strongest in adolescence and late life (Schmeeckle, Giarusso & Wang 1998)
• biological relatives
• non-biological relatives
• children, grandchildren, etc

Friendship

• elements of friendship:
  • mutual satisfaction
  • trust
  • empathy, respect, caring
• de Vries (1996) suggests there are three broad themes in adult relationships:
  • an affective or emotional basis for the friendship, based on self-disclosure, and expressions of intimacy, appreciation, affection, support; based on trust, loyalty, commitment
  • a shared or communal basis for the friendship, based on participation/interest in mutual activities
  • a sociability and compatibility basis for the friendship, based on finding our friends entertaining and sources of amusement, fun, recreation
  • de Vries believes these dimensions are found in friendships among adults of all ages; other researchers suggest these dimensions can be used to characterize both tradition (face to face) and online friendships (Ridings & Gefen, 2004)
• perceptions of friendships vary over our lives and across different cultures; while people from all societies have friendships, their views of what this means can be very different (and may change over their lives)
  • early models of changes in social relationships as adults aged presented rather simplistic pictures of our evolution of relationships:
    • activity therapy: older adults seek to maintain their level engagement by substituting new roles for previous roles that have been lost, life satisfaction will reflect their success in doing so
    • disengagement theory: social and psychological is a necessary adaptation for successful aging
    • neither of these theories provided an adequate account of the variations in life satisfaction and social engagement in older adults
  • life span models attempt to provide a fuller account
    • socioemotional selectivity theory suggests that decreased social activities reflect a lifelong selection process as well as shifting goals sought from relationships
    • Carstensen and her colleagues suggest that two goals or motives are reflected in social interactions, and the balance of their importance shifts over the adult life span
      • information seeking — this is a “functional motivation”: what can I learn from you, how can my interactions with you help define my identity, can my interactions with you further my career/interests/achievements?
      • emotional regulation — this is an “emotional” motivation: does my interaction with you fulfill emotional needs, do I find time spent with you satisfying or pleasant?
      • some evidence suggests emotional aspects are more important very early in life; functional motivations increase over childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood; and then decrease as emotional need predominate in older adulthood
      • as useful/valid as these generalization may be; remember this general rule about people: Variability is the norm; simple models will never capture all the realities about human experience

Intimate relationships

• sexual relationships
  • cohabitation
  • former spouses/lovers, widows & widowers
• Platonic (non-sexual) intimate relationships
• becoming a couple: Murstein (1987) proposed a theory that intimate relationships developed through stages reflecting the application of three “filters”
  • stimulus: does the potential partner’s physical appearance, social class, manners match your own?
    • physical attraction is one significant factor in both relationship initiation and long-term satisfaction (but what you see as attractive varies considerably)
    • men in many cultures value physical attractiveness in women; whereas women value men capable of being good providers (Cavanaugh & Blanchard-Fields, 2011, p. 409)
  • values: does the person’s values regarding sex, religion, politics, money, etc. match your own?
    • nearly all cultures rate dependability, emotional stability, kindness, and understanding as important factors (Cavanaugh & Blanchard-Fields, 2011, p. 409)
  • role: does the person’s ideas about the relationship, communication style, gender roles, etc. match your own?

Other interactive relationships (work, neighborhood, associations, child based)

Casual relationships (mail person, service personnel, proximal associations)

Other ways of thinking about relationships

• duration (long term, short, fixed)
• nature (family/nonfamily; political/sexual/economic/etc.; dominant/submissive)
• status (legal relationship [marriage, citizenship]; self-definitional; formal/informal; in group/out group)
• It is probably useful to recognize that the idea of “relationships” is a human creation, e.g. it is an “idea, a concept”, not a “thing” that exists in the world. This does not mean that relationships are illusionary or unimportant–they are the most critical aspects of life for many/most of us–but their nature and boundaries are to a large extent created by us, defined by us, established by our actions, beliefs, and statements.

Formation and ending of relationships

• the development of social networks
  • association, commonality, shared activities, emotional responsiveness and cueing
  • intimacy
  • dissolution
    • breaking up
    • divorce
    • death
• Intimacy (close relationships, love)
  • what makes a relationship intimate?
    • sharing
    • vulnerability
    • “closeness”
• love
  • many kinds of love: eros and agape
  • Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory of love
    • intimacy: the emotional component (warm, tender communication, expressions of concern for other’s well being, desire for reciprocation from partner)
    • passion: physical- and psychological-arousal component (desire for sexual activity and romance)
    • commitment: cognitive component (deciding your are in love, working to maintain relationship)
    • “If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
    • Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres… And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
  • In the beginning of love relationships the early, passionate love (intense sexual attraction) tends to evolve into companionate love (warm, trusting affection, care giving). Early passionate love is a strong predictor of whether partners keep dating; but absent the quiet intimacy, predictability, and shared values of companionate love, most romances break up (Acker & Davis, 1992; Fehr, 1994; Hendrick & Hendrick, 2002)
  • Couples who relationships endure usually report increases in love for each other, commitment appears to be an important factor, and communicating that commitment (through warmth, attentiveness, empathy, caring, acceptance, respect) strongly predicts relationship maintenance (Rusbult et al., 2006).
  • Constructive conflict resolution is an important aspect of communication:
    • directly expressing wishes and needs
    • listening patiently
    • asking for clarification
    • compromising
    • accepting responsibility
    • forgiving their partner
    • avoiding escalation of negative interactions (limited use of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, avoidance)
  • Cultural variations
    • the Western view of love stresses autonomy, appreciation of the partner’s unique qualities, and intense emotions
    • Eastern cultures often place great emphasis on dependence, broader social relationships, obligations toward others (especially the family)
    • Arranged marriages are still relatively common in some cultures
• Marriage and other intimate relationships
  • marriage is often defined (as your textbook does) as a “social institution”, a “legally sanctioned union between a man and a woman (in most U.S. states).” (Whitbourne & Whitbourne, 2011, p. 192)
    • there are legal, economic, social, religious, health, and political aspects to the institution of marriage
      • for instance, spouses cannot be compelled to testify against each other; and may open (and close) bank and charge card accounts for each other
      • for instance, spouses may file joint income tax returns and enjoy some financial advantages in doing so and are jointly obligated for debts
      • for instance, marriage (and the family) is often seen as the foundation for child rearing and the transmission of cultural knowledge and values
      • for instance, spouses can visit each other if one is hospitalized (under most circumstances) and may have access to (most) health records
      • for instance, marriage is recognized as the basis for approved sexual intimacy by many of the world’s religions and is a sacrament in many faiths
      • for instance, spouses are usually eligible to participate in their spouses’ health care plan and may be the de facto designee to execute end-of-life decisions (and, yes, married people do tend to live longer; but remember this is a correlation [a very reliable one in our society since records have been available] and does not necessarily identify a causal relationships may be that the people who are going to marry under current circumstances are also the people who are going to live longer, and that marriage and longevity have nothing directly to do with each other, i.e., I can’t necessarily live longer by marrying. I actually believe there are several functional relationships between marriage and longevity, but these represent theorizing and speculation, not strongly demonstrated empirical relationships. Much of what we know about relationships are based on observation and correlation or quasi experiment, and relatively little on experiment, except in some of the marriage counseling literature)
      • for instance, the issue of who will be allow to marry has been a “hot” current issue in elections and court challenges to marriage laws
    • many of us marry; some remain married, some divorce, some are widowed; many remarry
      • as your textbook points out: approximately half the adult population (U.S. population 18 years of age and older) are married and almost three quarters of the adult populations have been married at least once by age 55; women tend to marry for the first time a couple years younger than men (median age); and there are significant ethnic differences in marriage patterns
• Cohabitation
  • What your grandmother or great grandmother may have referred to as “living in sin” referred to living together without marriage; today we usually speak of couples “living together” or being “partners” when they are in stable and mutually dependent relationships which include acknowledged sexual intimacy. Roommates also live together (and sometimes have sexual relationships) but sexual intimacy is not a recognized (and may be a denied) aspect of the arrangement.
  • Sexual activity before marriage has probably been occurring (sometimes) for as long as we have had pair-bonding; one difference here is the public acknowledgement of this aspect of the relationship
  • Living together is not a “new phenomenon” either, couples have lived together without state or church sanctioned marriage for probably as long as there has been marriage. Historically, in many states, this could lead to a legal status: “common law marriages” occurred when a couple had lived together for a number of years (sometimes 7 continuous years) and/or had children. In states where common law marriage were recognized, these had the force of law: the couple became a legal and economic unit as far as the state was concerned.
  • Some of the interesting aspects of the current practice of cohabitation is the legitimacy it has acquired in our culture–it is no longer seen as shameful or less than desirable by many of us (but your grandmother probably still wants you to be married before you move in together and especially before you have children together)
  • Possibly related to this acceptability in how frequently this arrangement is occurring, as your textbook noted, somewhat over half of current marriages are preceded by cohabitation
  • Cohabitation may be view (by the couple and/or by society) as either a step toward marriage (dating, engagement/cohabitation, marriage) or as an alternative to marriage
  • the “cohabitation effect” refers to a reported increased likelihood of divorce in couples whose marriage was preceded by cohabitation; strong interpretation of this finding is complicated by changing social mores, changing patterns of marriage and divorce, cohort effects, and changes in marriage dissolution laws
    • also, as your textbook points out, “serial cohabitation” may be more strongly associated with later marriage dissolution than “developmental cohabitation” (dating, intimate relationships, cohabitation, marriage)
    • also, cohabitation in seniors (with no intention or plan to marry) is probably different thatn cohabitation in young adults (where one or both partners may have some degree of expectation of eventual marriage)
  • research on the effects of cohabitation on the children of these relationships (and children from previous relationships) is ongoing
• Same-Sex Couples
  • research on same-sex stable, intimate relationships is much more limited than that which is available on marriage; and only very recently (2004) have any of these relationships occurred with the approbation of state approval (some churches have recognized gay marriage for a longer period of time but these “marriages” were not legally recognized by the states the couples lived in)
  • the major difference in the past was the suggestion that without the legal complications of separation, same-sexed relationships were somewhat more prone to break up when stressed (there are mixed finding on this in both heterosexual and homosexual couples); if this were the case, it would presumably change as gay and lesbian couples in more states are legally bound together
  • issues of divorce, child custody litigation, and blended families are beginning to play out among same-sex couple as they have over the centuries in more traditional marriages
• Divorce and remarriage
  • Dissolution of marital relationships appear to be declining in our society (although many marriage will eventually end in divorce), several factors probably have contributed to this:
    • divorce is usually perceived as a failure and negative event, to be avoided if possible
    • there are numerous financial, legal, child custody, broader family relationship difficulties occasioned by divorce; and these provide motivation to “preserve the marriage”
    • premarital counseling is encouraged and/or required by many officiants of marriage (ministers, rabbis, priests, etc.), which appears to be associated with decreased marital conflict, increased marriage satisfaction, and decreased divorce rates
    • the demographics of marriage have changed in our society (people are waiting long before their first marriage, which is associated with somewhat lower divorce rates)
    • marriage counseling can help some distressed couples improve their relationship to the point where both members wish to continue the relationship
  • psychologists, sociologists, poets, philosophers, authors, playwrights, song writers, bartenders, and the rest of us continue to consider what makes for a “happy marriage”, a “good marriage”, an acceptable relationship, a stable and enduring relationship
• Widowhood
  • most marriages will “end” in at least one sense: usually the death of one spouse proceeds the other’s death
  • there are significant psychological and medical consequences to the death of a spouse
    • depression is common
    • increased dependence on extended family and/or moves to supported housing is may be seen
    • health problems increase
      • “widowhood effect” refers to increased probability of death in the surviving partner when a spouse dies
      • these may reflect stress, loss of positive experiences, disruption of health maintenance patterns (“My wife reminds me to take my [blood pressure medicine, etc.]”, decreased physical activity, changes in diet)
• Singlehood
  • deciding to remain single is perceived as more of an option than at times in our past
    • although there remain stereotypes and biases against single adults (especially beyond young adulthood)
    • single people may receive less compensation at their work
    • rental agents prefer married couples over single people
  • gender differences have been observed in singlehood
    • men tend to remain single longer into young adulthood
    • fewer men than women remain unmarried through adulthood
    • men and women may move differently across status lines (men may “marry down” while women may “marry up”)
    • women with higher levels of education have been overrepresented among unmarried adults compared with men of similar level of education
  • the transition to permanent singlehood is usually gradual
    • by the age of 40, never-married women tend to define family as their family of origin and their friendships
    • some continuing singles are content with their life, some are dissatisfied (much like married individuals)
• Parenthood
  • One major aspect of marriage is the birth of children, the “couple” becomes a “family”
  • nuclear family, extended family
  • family life cycle: the more-or-less predictable changes the family goes through as the children mature
    • deciding whether to have children
      • having children is expensive and stressful, but most of us do it anyway
      • having children does not usually improve a marriage
      • and it’s not entirely up to the couple–infertility is a challenge that some couples desiring children will have to face
    • the parental role
      • parenting practices vary tremendously between cultures and ethnic groups, and over time and situation
      • single parents, blended families, families with adopted children, families with gay and lesbian parents all face unique challenges not part of the “standard vision” shared by many subgroups within our society
      • the (more or less) consistent lesson from the child development literature: children need two things (three actually) from their parents
        • love (unconditional positive support and affirmation)
        • structure (boundaries, rules, guidelines, differential reinforcement, teaching)
        • (plus food, clothing, bedding, transportation to school, medical care, etc.–the physical/material supports for the child’s life and development)
    • from child to teenager: “Oh, no, not adolescence!”
      • in our society (but not in all human cultures), adolescence tends to bring some degree of emotional upheaval into the family: but the “storm and stress” model of adolescence is more myth than reality for most families
        • while puberty is a physiological event with more-or-less clear markers, adolescence is a culturally defined period of “in between” existence
        • rites of passage
          • schools change — elementary goes to middle school or junior high goes to high school (and college)
          • a driver’s license is both a token of freedom and a functional expansion of capability
          • substance use (licit and illicit)
          • relationships become sexually charged (even if not “sexual”)
            • (childhood platonic relationships and friendships between potential sexual partners may become more conflicted, “Why can’t he/she just like me? [usually uttered or thought with great emotion])
      • teenagers experience the emotional, cognitive, physical, and social changes of adolescence; and tend to push for, expect, demand greater freedom, self-determination, and acknowledgement within the family
        • yet research suggests that most adolescents
          • admire and love their parents
          • rely upon their parents for advice
          • embrace many of their parents’ values
          • feel loved by their parents
      • parents tend to be somewhat devalued within the teenager’s world view as the expert, leader, moral compass they represented to the child
      • parents may feel ignored and shut out of their child’s world, may feel challenged by the youth’s expression of individuality, may feel exasperated by their teenager’s apparent narcissism, rashness, foolhardiness, and immaturity;
        • they may also (hopefully) be delighted by the adolescent’s accomplishments and growing sense of self
  • letting go: from adolescent to adult
    • parent-child relationships tend to improve when children emerge from adolescence
    • the parent and now young adult child must build a new relationship of almost (but never quite) equals
    • the “empty nest” may occasion a crisis in relationships with the “family” which is now a couple again
  • grandparenthood
    • assuming new roles in the life of the new family
      • many/most grandparents derive great satisfaction and pleasure from the role
      • most children, adolescents, and young adults report positive relationships with their grandparents
      • in the increasingly mobile society that the U.S. became in the 20th century, more grandparents assumed a distant relationship with their grandchildren
      • a concern for some grandparents is maintaining a relationship with grandchildren following the divorce or separation of the children’s parents
    • some grandparents serve a surrogate or custodial parent role for their grandchildren
      • this may result when parents are addicted, incarcerated, or unable to care for children because of health or mental health issues
      • in some subcultures grandparents may be seen as the primary agent of socialization
    • the family culture: patterns of practices within our families: holidays, celebrations, funerals, get-to-gathers, reunions

Friendships

• the influence and support of friends are a major factor in the lives of many throughout adult life
• friendships are especially important in maintaining life satisfaction across adulthood
• most individuals in our society have the largest number of friendship relationships during young adulthood
  • Levinson proposed an ABCDE model of friendship, suggesting a series of stages friendships go through:
    • A acquaintanceship
    • B buildup
    • C continuation
    • D deterioration
    • E ending
  • yet some friendships endure over extended periods of time (decades) and distance
• ike romantic partners and childhood friends, adult friends are usually similar in many ways to each other (age, sex, SES) and these factors may contribute to common interests, experiences, and attitudes that make the relationship mutually satisfying
• trust, intimacy, and loyalty are important in adult friendships
• gender differences may be seen to a degree:
  • female friends tend to see each other more often, and the friendship relationship may have a greater focus on emotional sharing and support; females tend to have more friends than males
  • male friends may have a greater focus on shared activities, such as sports (and the relationship my ebb if the shared activities cease), if the friendship endures for an extended period of time, more emotional sharing may occur
  • these differences may represent the continuation of patterns learned in childhood
    • women (in our culture) tend to have more experience with intimate sharing from early childhood, and base their friendships on emotional sharing and mutual support
    • men (in our culture) are encouraged to compete, which may create a reluctance to confide in other; social pressures to be “brave and strong” may inhibit forming close relationships
• other-sex friendships
  • cross-sex friendships tend to help men have lower levels of dating anxiety and a higher capacity for intimacy
  • some research suggests that men tend to over perceive and women tend to under perceive their friends’ sexual interest in them
  • maintaining cross-sex friendships once one or both individuals enter into marriage or committed relationships may be difficulty and be complicated by feelings of jealousy (this may occur with same-sex friendships as well)
• on-line friendships are a new phenomenon, which continues to evolve as our world grows “more connected”

The dark side of relationships

• “abusive relationships” are usually defined as a relationship which becomes violent or in which one person becomes aggressive toward their partner
• an extreme form is “battered woman syndrome” in which the female partner is abused and feels she cannot leave the relationship
• one can speak of a continuum of aggressive behavior from verbal abuse to physical aggression to severe physical aggression to murder
• multiple factors may contribute to aggression in a relationship: childhood experiences, substance abuse, mental illness, authoritarian personality characteristics, cultural attitudes toward women and toward physical violence in a relationship, economic stress
  • data suggests that rates of violence toward women in marriages are higher in cultures which emphasize female purity, male status, and family honor
• much, but not all, physical abuse within intimate relationships is from males directed to females
• there are gender differences in abusive relationships
  • women tend to be less physically violent in relationships
• what data is available on gay and lesbian relationships appears to parallel that shown in heterosexual couples
• multiple factors may also contribute to a woman staying in an abusive relationship: childhood experiences, economic dependence, reluctance to separate children from their father or father figure, lack of education and skills, lack of family support
• domestic shelters may provide temporary protection; restraining order often fail to offer any real protection (despite the explicit threat of legal sanctions, orders of protection probably work best with people who tend to follow rules; as a society we have a pretty clear “rule” [social more] against partner violence; you can probably see the difficulty here)
• It seems to me that our mores (non codified, implicit rules of society) against partner violence has only recently become strongly held by a majority of the society as applying in all situations. In one of the early and very popular television shows, The Honeymooners, Jackie Gleason’s character repeatedly made jokes about “smacking” his wife in the sitcom. While this never actually occurred in the shows, it was seen as “humorous” Very few abused partners or mental health professional today would find anything funny about spousal abuse jokes and this kind of “humor” would probably not show up on network television.

Instructor bias: my own values is that you should never be afraid of the person who is your partner, you should never fear your intimate other, your home/family/close relationships should feel safe and caring (allowing for the reality that all human relationships involve, from time to time, frustration and conflict; and that none of us are perfect). I recognize that the reality for some, perhaps many of us is other than this but believe that we, as a society, should be clear with each other that intimate partner violence, domestic violence, and child abuse are intolerable and will not be accepted.

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