Intimacy (close relationships, love)

what makes a relationship intimate?

• sharing
• vulnerability
• “closeness”

Love

• many kinds of love: eros and agape
• Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory of love
  • intimacy: the emotional component (warm, tender communication, expressions of concern for other’s well being, desire for reciprocation from partner)
  • passion: physical- and psychological-arousal component (desire for sexual activity and romance)
  • commitment: cognitive component (deciding your are in love, working to maintain relationship)
  • “If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
    …
    And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
• In the beginning of love relationships the early, passionate love (intense sexual attraction) tends to evolve into companionate love (warm, trusting affection, care giving). Early passionate love is a strong predictor of whether partners keep dating; but absent the quiet intimacy, predictability, and shared values of companionate love, most romances break up (Acker & Davis, 1992; Fehr, 1994; Hendrick & Hendrick, 2002)
• Couples who relationships endure usually report increases in love for each other, commitment appears to be an important factor, and communicating that commitment (through warmth, attentiveness, empathy, caring, acceptance, respect) strongly predicts relationship maintenance (Rusbult et al., 2006).
• Constructive conflict resolution is an important aspect of communication:
  • directly expressing wishes and needs
  • listening patiently
  • asking for clarification
  • compromising
  • accepting responsibility
  • forgiving their partner
  • avoiding escalation of negative interactions (limited use of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, avoidance)
• Cultural variations
  • the Western view of love stresses autonomy, appreciation of the partner’s unique qualities, and intense emotions
  • Eastern cultures often place great emphasis on dependence, broader social relationships, obligations toward others (especially the family)
  • Arranged marriages are still relatively common in some cultures
• Marriage and other intimate relationships
  • marriage is often defined as a “social institution”, a “legally sanctioned union between a man and a woman (in most U.S. states).” (Whitbourne & Whitbourne, 2011, p. 192)
    • there are legal, economic, social, religious, health, and political aspects to the institution of marriage
    • for instance, spouses cannot be compelled to testify against each other; and may open (and close) bank and charge card accounts for each other
    • for instance, spouses may file joint income tax returns and enjoy some financial advantages in doing so and are jointly obligated for debts
    • for instance, marriage (and the family) is often seen as the foundation for child rearing and the transmission of cultural knowledge and values
    • for instance, spouses can visit each other if one is hospitalized (under most circumstances) and may have access to (most) health records
    • for instance, marriage is recognized as the basis for approved sexual intimacy by many of the world’s religions and is a sacrament in many faiths
    • for instance, spouses are usually eligible to participate in their spouses’ health care plan and may be the de facto designee to execute end-of-life decisions (and, yes, married people do tend to live longer; but remember this is a correlation [a very reliable one in our society since records have been available] and does not necessarily identify a causal relationships may be that the people who are going to marry under current circumstances are also the people who are going to live longer, and that marriage and longevity have nothing directly to do with each other, i.e., I can’t necessarily live longer by marrying. I actually believe there are several functional relationships between marriage and longevity, but these represent theorizing and speculation, not strongly demonstrated empirical relationships. Much of what we know about relationships are based on observation and correlation or quasi experiment, and relatively little on experiment, except in some of the marriage counseling literature)
    • for instance, the issue of who will be allow to marry has been a “hot” current issue in elections and court challenges to marriage laws
  • many of us marry; some remain married, some divorce, some are widowed; many remarry
    • as your textbook points out: approximately half the adult population (U.S. population 18 years of age and older) are married and almost three quarters of the adult populations have been married at least once by age 55; women tend to marry for the first time a couple years younger than men (median age); and there are significant ethnic differences in marriage patterns
• Cohabitation
  • What your grandmother or great grandmother may have referred to as “living in sin” referred to living together without marriage; today we usually speak of couples “living together” or being “partners” when they are in stable and mutually dependent relationships which include acknowledged sexual intimacy. Roommates also live together (and sometimes have sexual relationships) but sexual intimacy is not a recognized (and may be a denied) aspect of the arrangement.
  • Sexual activity before marriage has probably been occurring (sometimes) for as long as we have had pair-bonding; one difference here is the public acknowledgement of this aspect of the relationship
  • Living together is not a “new phenomenon” either, couples have lived together without state or church sanctioned marriage for probably as long as there has been marriage. Historically, in many states, this could lead to a legal status: “common law marriages” occurred when a couple had lived together for a number of years (sometimes 7 continuous years) and/or had children. In states where common law marriage were recognized, these had the force of law: the couple became a legal and economic unit as far as the state was concerned.
  • Some of the interesting aspects of the current practice of cohabitation is the legitimacy it has acquired in our culture–it is no longer seen as shameful or less than desirable by many of us (but your grandmother probably still wants you to be married before you move in together and especially before you have children together)
  • Possibly related to this acceptability in how frequently this arrangement is occurring, as your textbook noted, somewhat over half of current marriages are preceded by cohabitation
  • Cohabitation may be view (by the couple and/or by society) as either a step toward marriage (dating, engagement/cohabitation, marriage) or as an alternative to marriage
  • the “cohabitation effect” refers to a reported increased likelihood of divorce in couples whose marriage was preceded by cohabitation; strong interpretation of this finding is complicated by changing social mores, changing patterns of marriage and divorce, cohort effects, and changes in marriage dissolution laws
    • also, as your textbook points out, “serial cohabitation” may be more strongly associated with later marriage dissolution than “developmental cohabitation” (dating, intimate relationships, cohabitation, marriage)
    • also, cohabitation in seniors (with no intention or plan to marry) is probably different thatn cohabitation in young adults (where one or both partners may have some degree of expectation of eventual marriage)
  • research on the effects of cohabitation on the children of these relationships (and children from previous relationships) is ongoing
• Same-Sex Couples
  • research on same-sex stable, intimate relationships is much more limited than that which is available on marriage; and only very recently (2004) have any of these relationships occurred with the approbation of state approval (some churches have recognized gay marriage for a longer period of time but these “marriages” were not legally recognized by the states the couples lived in)
  • the major difference in the past was the suggestion that without the legal complications of separation, same-sexed relationships were somewhat more prone to break up when stressed (there are mixed finding on this in both heterosexual and homosexual couples); if this were the case, it would presumably change as gay and lesbian couples in more states are legally bound together
  • issues of divorce, child custody litigation, and blended families are beginning to play out among same-sex couple as they have over the centuries in more traditional marriages
• Divorce and remarriage
  • Dissolution of marital relationships appear to be declining in our society (although many marriage will eventually end in divorce), several factors probably have contributed to this:
    • divorce is usually perceived as a failure and negative event, to be avoided if possible
    • there are numerous financial, legal, child custody, broader family relationship difficulties occasioned by divorce; and these provide motivation to “preserve the marriage”
    • premarital counseling is encouraged and/or required by many officiants of marriage (ministers, rabbis, priests, etc.), which appears to be associated with decreased marital conflict, increased marriage satisfaction, and decreased divorce rates
    • the demographics of marriage have changed in our society (people are waiting long before their first marriage, which is associated with somewhat lower divorce rates)
    • marriage counseling can help some distressed couples improve their relationship to the point where both members wish to continue the relationship
  • psychologists, sociologists, poets, philosophers, authors, playwrights, song writers, bartenders, and the rest of us continue to consider what makes for a “happy marriage”, a “good marriage”, an acceptable relationship, a stable and enduring relationship
• Widowhood
  • most marriages will “end” in at least one sense: usually the death of one spouse proceeds the other’s death
  • there are significant psychological and medical consequences to the death of a spouse
    • depression is common
    • increased dependence on extended family and/or moves to supported housing is may be seen
    • health problems increase
      • “widowhood effect” refers to increased probability of death in the surviving partner when a spouse dies
      • these may reflect stress, loss of positive experiences, disruption of health maintenance patterns (“My wife reminds me to take my [blood pressure medicine, etc.]”, decreased physical activity, changes in diet)
• Singlehood
  • deciding to remain single is perceived as more of an option than at times in our past
    • although there remain stereotypes and biases against single adults (especially beyond young adulthood)
    • single people may receive less compensation at their work
    • rental agents prefer married couples over single people
  • gender differences have been observed in singlehood
    • men tend to remain single longer into young adulthood
    • fewer men than women remain unmarried through adulthood
    • men and women may move differently across status lines (men may “marry down” while women may “marry up”)
    • women with higher levels of education have been overrepresented among unmarried adults compared with men of similar level of education
  • the transition to permanent singlehood is usually gradual
    • by the age of 40, never-married women tend to define family as their family of origin and their friendships
    • some continuing singles are content with their life, some are dissatisfied (much like married individuals)